So.

Chris and I are doing much better. It took some work on both our parts, and some heavy duty reflection. I'm sure we still have a long way to go. But the fire I had thought went out as regained some spark, and both he and I are doing our best to shelter it from the wind; to coax and fan it gently, working towards a flame that I'm certain will ignite. The best fires leave embers behind that can be brought back to life far after you thought the ashes would be cold. I have faith, I have determination. I have passion.

I have my own issues (read: subscriptions) to work out. Some of them came out during what I thought was going to be our break up talk. Some personal nightmares that I'd forgotten about - and some I had not even brought myself to realize yet - were brought to the surface. I cried harder than I have in a long time, and once it had past Chris held me. He told me he loved me, and that what I had just told him explained so much about the distancing he'd felt between us. And it helped me to get it out; to bring it to light to be faced. I may have the strength I'd thought was gone. I may have rediscovered some of why I wanted to be a nurse so badly. I don't think the hurt is gone enough yet to go back; not now. But soon, maybe.

As usual, just when I'm collecting myself and dusting off my knees from where I'd thought I'd fallen for good, shit happens. My niece needs a good waking up. Unfortunately, I need my strength for me right now. I can't give anymore. I'm giving enough; my life outside of home consists of work and my sister. So I sit here, contemplating just what to say to Erica when she returns this evening. She should be here in an hour, and I'm no closer to that answer than I was yesterday. What do you say to someone who has lied to you; who has shown that they don't care what you think? She will die soon. Of that I've no doubt, and the truth hurts. But not as much as knowing that she doesn't care; she doesn't care about how much her not caring hurts. She uses and manipulates people. The lies to make herself look the victim, and plays the part well. It really does break my heart.

And so here I am. Some things are coming together. Others are falling apart. Maybe I could fix them, maybe I couldn't - but I'm worried that if I try to hold onto everything, I will lose it all.

I suppose that gives me my answer, then. *sigh*

Forgive me my rambling. Some times it helps.

I'm grouchy.

I'm irritable.

I'm impatient.

I'm generally bitchy, and I'm not completely sure why. So I hate my job, I'm beyond broke, and my relationship is on the rocks at best.

However, I have a roof over my head, and kittens that love me. I have some amazing friends, and my relationship with my sister has been getting stronger every day. My new nephew is healthy. Pittsburgh won the cup. My brother earned his Canadian citizenship.

I have much to be thankful for.

and yet...

And yet.....

Just waiting for my ride to work - I love knowing a night time tow truck driver. I've been looking for a new job; I really hate the gas station. I don't mind the customers (mostly) but working alone in a box is getting old fast. I'm kind of hoping for one of the jobs I applied for with Lasik; I think that would be kinda cool. One was as a surgical assistant - setting up trays and such for laser eye surgery. The other posting is for a clinical assistant (read - clerk) and wouldn't be quite as fun, but I'm probably more qualified for. Either way, I figure it probably pays more than I'm making right now.

I've still been spending at least one day a week with my sister and nephew. Alannah occasionally makes a big deal out of this, as if I'm saving her life or something. It's honestly nothing though; I get time out of the house but not at work, I get to visit, I get to cuddle my nephew. I suppose I understand it from her side; she does like to sleep more than an hour or two at a time, and hates seeing people cry - both of which don't coincide with having a baby in the house. I'm glad I can help her the little I can.

I think it's really time to get the kittens fixed. Yesterday Harley was minding his own business on his side of the couch when Push decided he wanted some "love"...and proceeded to bite Harley on the back of his neck and mount him. So not only are they getting curious, but apparently Push is gay. I've never seen Harley look so violated and confused in his life...poor guy.

Well, my ride should be here any second, and I still need to get a few things ready.

I was remembering her today;
her smell,
her taste...

The feeling of her lips on mine,
the softness
of her skin
of her hair...
of her

Oh, no, I know
This will never be
any more than a memory again...

Deep in lust I am,
but nothing more concrete.
I just wonder...
Does she ever wake up
with my taste in her mouth
and smile?

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Man, Kate was right - I SHOULD publish a book of lesbian poetry.

I went for a jog this morning - it was nice. And I finally found someone who will go workout with me on a regular basis. Hopefully I'll be down to my target size soon...in time for my birthday, perhaps????




Anyway

Actually, a million is a bit excessive; I'd probably pay off debts, get myself comfortably ahead, and invest the rest. Right now, I'd settle for being caught up on bills and one month ahead on rent, but that's just me I suppose. Money doesn't really mean much when you don't have time to spend it, and you're smart enough to know if won't last forever.

I need to go for coffee. Which kinda sucks, because I really can't afford to. At least Chris is going to start working again soon...I think...in theory. I get paid Friday, so I can set some money aside for my SLOC and bike payments. I don't smoke anymore, so there's an expense I don't have to worry about. I really think that once Chris has some money coming in I need to get back to nursing. I'm really getting sick of this whole $10/hr BS. I was not made for a 5 day work week. If I can get back to 12 hour shifts, 3-4 shifts per week, I'll be stoked. That gives me a day with Alannah, a day for me, and a day with friends. I was really dumb to let that job get to me.

I sense some big changes coming soon. I feel like I need to stir things up a bit. I went for a jog today; something I've never done in my life, so it wasn't very long. Still, it's a start. If I do that every morning, I should be back to a size 10 (or maybe 8???) in no time. I forgot how much I loved the spring and summer. So much green, such good smells. The earth feels happier. Which I'm sure is just me projecting my own feelings - we all know how much I HATE winter - but nonetheless. I love this time of year.

I know I know I know...I'm bad at this whole updating thing. But I swear, it's only because nothing interesting is going on.

I stayed at Alannah's on Tuesday night. Spent most of the evening and following morning staring at my nephew; he's started to make some pretty awesome faces. He'll be the next Jim Carey or something, I swear. While he and I were cuddling, he looked at me with crossed eyes, raised eyebrows, his tiny lips pulled into the tiniest pucker ever with his itty bitty tongue sticking out to one side. It was pretty awesome. And that is EXACTLY what constitutes "interesting" in my life. But he is a pretty darn cute kid.

Work has been work like; once we get a little ahead I think I'll be renewing my nursing license and getting a real job with a real pay check and real benefits again. I'm getting pretty tired of gas stations.

I've been trying to get out more, but lack of money makes that difficult, as does my schedule. Almost all of my friends are on an almost opposite schedule from me, and my two days off are generally booked with Alannah and geeking out. As such, I'm pretty much a home body, which is good for the bank account but bad for my sanity....

Ugh...sleep calls....

So, my sister had a beautiful baby boy named Tristin Bishop. He came out screaming at a healthy 8lbs 7oz. She's been doing awesome as a new mom; in fact, the nurse who visited for the first checkup couldn't believe it was her and Wess's first. I've been visiting at least once a week to help around the house and give Alannah a short reprieve so she can cook, shower, etc while Wess can grab a little sleep or alone time. Tristin is a pretty good baby though; doesn't cry much and will sleep for several hours straight. Unfortunately those hours aren't usually on a normal person's sleep schedule, but that will come with time.

The experience as Alannah's birth coach has led me to consider becoming a birth doula. It will take a few hundred dollars to be able to afford the learning tools, and a while to find a doula to work under for my first few cases, but I think it is a realistic goal for next year. In the meantime, I'm hoping to be able to renew my license as a nurse and return to that career. I miss feeling like i'm doing something truly useful. The side of me that likes pretty things misses the pay cheques as well. If I can get back to it, I will be able to cut a significant amount off my debt, so more of my bond money can go towards a house down payment.

Chris and I have been considering the option of moving to Victoria in the next year. We have friends and family out there, and the weather is much less temperamental. Our motorbike could be used more than 6 months a year. And it would just be a nice change.

That's about all that's been going on as of late. I hope as is well with those reading.

I'm a little late on my annual new year's post. But hey; so much for my new year's resolution of not procrastinating, eh?

What a year. No more school. No more paper's being due, tuition to be paid, classes to be...skipped. No more exams to be nervous about...well, not after Wednesday, anyways. No more being up to my elbows in shit - literally - without getting paid at least $18 or so an hour for it. No more sleeping in psych...or pharm...or patho....

You know, I'm almost going to miss it. My sister said a while ago that school is like the snooze button on life. Well, she was specifically talking about grad school, but she was right. And no, not just insomuch as sleep prepares us for the day, like school prepares us for the world. It's more like that if we're tooafraid, too sick, or too tired, we hit the snooze button. That's post sec for you. It's like you get out of high school, look at the world of paying bills, taking responsibility for your choices, and go "Oh shit. 'Mom, just five more minutes, okay? I promise I'll get up, just five more minutes.'" And I kind of miss it. I'm staring right now at an unpaid telus bill. Not that I can't afford it; working for a living does have it's perks, like paycheques. More that Chris hates internet banking, and we're both generally too tired, too busy, or too lazy to go pay it. I miss not knowing how much things like phone and utilities and rent cost. I miss thinking that stress was a math exam, a paper not done, or Daddy finding out that I'm dating someone. I miss thinking that the end of world would be seeing my crush kissing someone else. I miss thinking $7 an hour was a good starting wage.

On the other hand...a good day was getting 75% or better on...anything. Having an eglish class with Mr. Howe. Staying awake for biology. Now, it's changing a life. Making someone's day better. Seeing the proud smile on a 92 year old man's face when he walks for the first time, because I took the time to help him. Knowing that every client I work with notices - and cares - if I'm upset, no matter how much I try to hide it. Getting an honest "thank you" for something as simple as taking the time to pour someone a cup of coffee. Being appreciated for knowing who drinks what kind of tea. These things probably sound petty to many of you; that's why you don't have my job. I don't mean that to be condescending; just a fact. You're good day might involve a well balanced spreadsheet, and organized shelf, or a retrieval from a ditch without scratching the paint.

The last year has been a scary one, but a good one. Chris and I live together sans roommates, which I feel is a healthy way to figure out what we need to work on before we can talk about anything more serious. I watched friend's get engaged, get married, get pregnant, buy condos; it seems to have been a successful all around. I'm glad to feel like I'm moving on in life, even if I'm tempted to hit the snooze button again.

So here's to good days; no matter what the means for you.

Cheers.

Fiona

So, I was really not very good at staying awake in social class in high school. Today I decided to reseach Chernobyl, because I'd never really paid attention. I knew that it was some radioactive fallout thing. That's about it. I came across one site that said less than a hundred people were affected. I figured that although that really sucks, it means we learned something. Then I found this...

http://todayspictures.slate.com/inmotion/essay_chernobyl/

And now I'm back to being utterly disgusted by humanity.

Well, I'm settling into my new job - a little weird to be a supervisor for a bunch of people who are older than me and have worked their longer, but the respect me so it works. I've been informed that the building I work in is haunted, which is kinda fun I guess. They say that on night shift you can hear a little girl running and singing in the basement. Hmm. And every time I go for my pre-shift swim, I hear people talking and laughing as I enter the change room, but there's never anyone there. It's a little creepy.

Speaking of which....

When I was younger, I remember looking up to my parents and older siblings and thinking there must be some special age you reach where nothing scares you. Where you know exactly what to do in any situation. Where responsibilities are easy, and you never doubt yourself. I still think that way sometimes when talking to my dad. And yet, here I am, graduated, with a $10 000 piece of paper and a real job, and I'm scared. I never feel certain, I never know just what to do...

So when does that certainty come?